It’s been over a month since I became seriously sick. I thought I would get better and jump back into normal life, but I’ve realized it is a lot harder than that. Simple tasks, like making a meal, were next to impossible because I was unable to remember what I was doing. Even the basic task of using my computer turned into something that I had to re-learn. It’s a difficult thing to explain, but Sepsis seriously messes with your brain and cognitive function. Thankfully, I’m feeling drastic improvements that are making life feel much more “normal.”
I know, very well, that I would not still be here without God protecting me and saving me, multiple times. The first time I realized I was very close to death was the night and day where the infection set in. Without antibiotics, toxic blood will kill you very quickly. Yet, it was in those moments where I felt God’s presence the strongest. There was nothing scary about dying, just the unfathomable presence of God surrounding me and keeping me on the earth.
The next time I felt like I might die, my brain was a bit more functional, and I freaked out. The infection caused major pain in my heart that was unrelenting. The pain was accompanied by shortness of breath and the loss of circulation in my hands, feet, and limbs, brain, whatever wasn’t receiving the needed blood flow at the moment. These symptoms would get significantly worse at night time. If I tried to lie down, I would struggle to breath even more, and honestly, felt like I might not wake up in the morning.
This was accompanied by great frustration. My primary doctor put in an urgent referral for a cardiologist… but the military treatment facility bombed that (somehow), meaning, they failed to see me urgently in the 72 hours required. And, they argued with me all along the way. There’s nothing like feeling you might actually die while waiting to see a doctor… but I had serious hope of suing them when I got better. Yeah… you have to hold on to hope ;)
Once the needed tests were performed by the cardiologist, I’d have the proof required to push ahead with a malpractice suit… I just had to live long enough to get there! So, I possibly, may have prayed that God would heal me after my cardiology appointment. But, I felt God ask me, “Do you want a lawsuit or do you want to live…?”
It was the night before I was scheduled to see the cardiologist and my symptoms were terrible. I had tried to go to sleep, but after each extremely heavy breath, I felt like I might not have the strength to take another one. I got out of bed and moved the recliner, with the hope that sitting up might help me to breathe better. Unfortunately, this time it was not helping. Each breath continued to get harder and harder to take and I could feel each heartbeat become slow and sporadic. In a panic, I stood up and started wiggling my body, hoping that my heart rate would pick up. But, I was only exhausting my already exhausted self and wasting the breaths that I had.
Once this painful revelation set it, I grabbed my phone and knew I had to call 911. With my breathing at this rate, I knew I only had a few minutes left. But, as I started dialing, I remembered I had an emergency prayer line saved on my phone. I decided to call John G. Lake Ministries instead.(www.jglm.org/)
I could barely speak (go figure, not being able to breathe makes that hard!), and when the voice said, “hello…” I whispered, “I have an infection in my heart.”
The man started to pray for me. I don’t remember what he said at all, but I felt my heart THUD. And then, it started beating normally! Those beats were music to my ears! As my heart began to beat, I was suddenly able to breathe again. All I could say was, “thank you, thank you, thank you!!”
I knew in that instant, God had saved my life and kept me from death, again.
The next morning, I went in for an echocardiogram, and miraculously, everything looked normal. It sure wasn’t normal the day before, but my heart was HEALED!
The fullness of the healing in the rest of my body had come slowly, some days, very frustratingly, but I’m so thankful to say that it is COMING! I feel like I am 98% there, hence all the posts on the computer, because I can use it again ;) and I’ve dropped my notions of lawsuits, because I have something much better to hope in!
As I was thinking earlier, I felt like God said, “It’s time for raining miracles.” Rain is one of those things that must happen in order to plants, and everything, to have life. But, if it’s going to rain to sustain life, wouldn’t it be amazing if those raindrops were miracles all around you? What kind of miracles are you believing God for? Share them with us, and we’ll agree in prayer to see God rain miracles in your life!
Blessings of rain, my friends!
OH, and that phone number…save it in case you ever need emergency prayer, or know someone who does: 1-888-293-6591
There’s no type of catch, nothing financial, just people who love Jesus, love you, and want to see you healed!
Babies are so precious. Genevieve is about to turn one, and one of the many things I love about this stage is how excited she gets about “the little things.” Whenever someone laughs, cheers, or claps, Genevieve just assumes we’re responding to her wonderfulness and she smiles and laughs and cheers too!
Yet, somewhere between babyhood and adulthood, we stop believing that we’re amazing and start to look at our faults. Life gets harder, and our parents stop cheering every time we go to the bathroom (there, I said it, you can blame them for all your issues!).
But God never stops cheering you on. You’re still the most precious, perfect, and loved child by God, even if you feel those days of innocence have long passed. Fortunately on this side of Cavalry, the love and grace we receive from God has nothing to do with our own merits, it is all based on Jesus and what He already accomplished for us.
Jesus took our sins, so we could be presented before God, innocent and pure. He took our pain, even the self-inflicted pain brought on by wrong choices, and washed it away. In turn for surrendering our garbage, Jesus presents us with new life, a brand new life free from sin and guilt, and clothed in the miraculous power of the Holy Spirit.
When we begin to understand that, our own self-perception begins to shift. Instead of being burdened by our faults, we’re empowered by the potential God’s placed in each of our hearts. That shift makes learning to walk in this new life easier then when we first learned to walk. Sure, we fall and scrape our knees, but God is still cheering for us to get back up and try it again.
Tune your ear to God’s cheering, and don’t give up.
Monday February 20th, began as a beautiful day. We picked flowers (weeds) from the backyard and made patterns with them on the deck. The sunshine felt magnificent and the morning a dream.
By the afternoon, I started having pain that I was familiar with from mastitis, a no-fun breast infection from nursing. I had experienced it a few times before, and I knew it could go away on its own with nursing. But, I already had a doctor appointment set up for the following morning, so I could get it checked out then!
As the day went on, I steadily became worse. By bedtime, I was struggling to walk without falling, my body was shaking, my head pounded when I tried to stand, and my whole body felt like I'd been hit by a bus.
I went to bed, glad that I'd be seeing the doctor soon. In the morning, I was much worse and unable to stand without falling from the dizziness and head pounding. I got to the doctors and wasn't even able to understand the paperwork I needed to fill out.
I told the doctor what was going on and she confirmed mastitis and did a prompt ekg because my heart rate was really high and I was struggling to breathe. The ekg came back abnormal, and she also did a blood test to look for underlying problems.
I started antibiotics immediately and began improving. I had no idea just how much improving I'd need to do over the next few days, it's still a messy blur.
The infection from mastitis entered my blood stream causing sepsis. And sepsis is no joke. It's important for everyone to understand the signs of sepsis
I’ve been to many doctors and many hospitals and had many tests done, and will have more still. Yet, I want to share some of the amazing things that God has done through this brutal time.
The first miracle happened to be that I already had an appointment set up with my doctor the next morning. Had I decided to take a Tylenol and tough it out, I highly doubt that I would still be alive. Though my doctor missed the signs of sepsis, she did the right thing by prescribing my antibiotics which I started immediately and took every few hours.
Unfortunately, the antibiotics alone were not enough. My heart rate was out of control and I was having chest pain and trouble breathing so I went to the ER. I was also highly delusional, and unable to even explain that I had an infection because I didn’t know what was going on. The nurse asked when I had seen a doctor, and I said, “It doesn’t feel like a long time ago.” She asked how I got to the hospital and I told her I drove. She said, “Ma’am, I don’t think you should be driving…” and I said, “I only had to drive straight.”
Yeah, don’t drive if you think you have sepsis.
I was stuck in a waiting room for two hours (even with an abnormal EKG and signs of a heart attack). I was waiting with all the other super sick people, and an older man was wheeled in and parked across from me.
He looked over and said, “I’m so glad you have your hair in a ponytail, it looks so sexy like that!”
I was absolutely appalled. Really, what do you say to that… thanks?
I just looked away…
But he kept talking.
“I’m sorry that I keep staring, it’s my medication…” he said.
I tried to politely grin.
Luckily, they called me back to do some more tests. On the way to have chest x-rays done, it was clear that I was unable to successfully walk, so the nurse got me in a wheel chair. I was feeling worse by the moment.
After my X-rays, there were still no available beds, so the nurse wheeled me out to the waiting room and parked me right next to my older friend. I knew if I tried to tell her he was sexually harassing me, she would move me to another ward of the hospital, and I wouldn’t be home for dinner. So I just tried to watch t.v., only my brain couldn’t actually understand what I was looking at.
As soon as the man noticed me, he jumped out of his wheelchair to come and talk.
We exchanged ER pleasantries, “What they got you in here for…”and the like.
And then, he started to share about how he had wanted to kill himself. He had mentioned that to the nurse and gone through months of inpatient treatment.
At that moment, the door opened for me to share God’s love with him, and I got to explain that God has a special purpose for each of his days. He told me he had done some really bad things, but I got to explain how we all have, but Jesus took the punishment for sin for us all.
The nurse came and got me before I was finished, but I was so thankful for an awkward moment that had turned into a meaningful moment. Even through chaos, sickness, and disease, God’s victory is always present… we just need to know where to look!
I so appreciate all of your prayers, and know that I would not be here without God saving me multiple times. I’ll write more about that as I process it. I’m so thankful to still be here, and be celebrating my sons 5th birthday in a few days. I really wasn’t sure I’d make it. Again, thank you for all your prayers!
Is a wife, mother of three, author of Re:Birth, and lover of afternoon naps and phish food ice cream.